Listen Up, Pukes

I know what yer thinkin'--what's a certified bad-ass like Randy McFab doing with a blog? Shouldn't he be out wasting hippies or hunting down tangoes? My friend (i.e., my suspected commie enemy), I wish it were that simple. But it ain't. I lost my "cover" job at Taco Bell, and my Mom insists I do something constructive with my time, because if I keep looking at the websites I like I'll go blind. Well, I can't think of anything more constructive than giving you civvie pukes a rare glimpse into the world of a real-life operator, so you're fortunate enough to have this blog.
Some of you "real" military types (you know, the kind that actually enlisted and served in some sort of armed forces) may feel superior to freelancers like myself, but let me tell you something, G.I. Joe--I've read about more battles than you'll ever participate in, and I've seen even more in t.v. and movies. So I've been there, done that, and I think I know just a little bit more about warfare than one can learn from just showing up and getting shot at.
As for you peacenik liberals, if yer lucky I'll let you dip yer marijuana joints in my testosterone-laden sweat before you "toke up"--then you'll get a real high, I assure you. You might even get so stoned you quit hating America and decide to go kill someone for a change.
Now, I'm gonna be sharing a lot of "insider" info here, and I know that will piss off all my SAS contacts. I don't care. I'm gonna break that "code of silence" over my knee just like I would a smart-assed Iraqi child. I'll be teaching you everything from how to make a car bomb using only a car and a bomb, to how to convince an Arab you're speaking Arabic even though you're really speaking French. You'll learn everything I've learned in 15 brutal years as an avid reader--I just hope you have the guts to digest the truth.
That's enough for now, sissies. Keep yer pole-holsters shut and yer ears open for more knowledge, and check back here ASAP.