Sunday, June 26, 2005

Limeys are People, Too, Kind Of

I get a lot of communiques like the following: "Dear Randy McFab, I've served in the British SAS for 15 years and yet I still don't feel as macho as a civvy Yank like you...Why, man, why...?
Signed, The Right Honourable Sir Percy Nigel Ian Gaz Limpdagger Pubesnifter, RSM, VD, RPG"
Well, I feel for ya, Sir Puss--I mean, Percy. It's hard to feel macho when you're a pasty, undersized, dentist's nightmare whose natural reaction to the word "Queen" is to drop to your knees. As a Yank, I was born manly, it wasn't something I really had to work at. Your best bet is to drop your Euro-style "understanding of geo-politics" and rely on Fox News to tell you what to think. That, and, quit saying things like, "I'll meet you this afty" and "fancy a brew?"
While you're at it, admit that football is something played from fall through winter in the U.S.--everything else is "soccer," which, as the C.I.A. long-ago proved, is a euphemism for "dictatorship of the proletariat."
On a positive note, you limeys have been doing well for years on the manly front by providing mercenaries for every crackpot regime that the UK isn't actively fighting. For that, I commend you. I say, follow my advice above, keep up the murder-for-hire, and soon you'll be as manly as me.