Saturday, October 01, 2005

Board to Tears

Friday night. The McFab compound. Late.
I'm often asked what mercenaries and ex-special forces types do with their free time. Many people seem to think we're always sleeping with spec-ops groupies, base jumping off of French landmarks, and beating up skateboarders outside our local malls. Sure, we beat up skateboarders, but most certified badasses like to take a break now and then and do what we're best at--we hang out in chatrooms and on message boards, telling other badasses how bad our asses actually are.
Case in point: Friday night, and for some reason I'm without a date. I was a little bit amped after a long day of knife sharpening and Tae Bo, and had to unwind before I settled down for my sixteen-hour combat nap. We have two computers in our mobile home--the one in the ops centre (what wussies call my bedroom), and the one in the living room, which my mom uses to email baby pictures of me to her friends. I of course use only the secure computer in the ops centre, as the NSA has a nasty habit of spying on mercs. I had set it up for maximum security--I use Windows 98, and I avoid questionable software like firewalls and anti-virus programs at all cost. Windows is American, friend, and an American program doesn't need any help to keep me secure. I surf with the same confidence I kill with, and was thus as relaxed as ever when I logged into AMERICA Online and logged onto my favourite message board/chatroom,
A few of my favourite fellow warriors were online, so I joined in the fray, using my call-sign, Darth Spock.

Transcript of

[1337 h4x0r] And that's how I found out about Delta Force and the cannibals. Just google it, dude.
Darth Spock has joined the chat.
[Darth Spock] Hoo-Yah!
[jarheadjimmy] Hey, Randy! I got that picture you sent...Can you send more?
[1337 h4x0r] Hey L4m3r
[Darth Spock] Still encrypting your comms, I see, 1337. One day I'll find a program to decrypt it all.
[1337 h4x0r] sucksauce
[jarheadjimmy] Really, Randy, can you send more...Like, maybe without a shirt on?
[McFab] Sure, man, you're always trying to pull the chicks with naked pictures of me. I'd think you liked 'em yourself if you weren't ex-Recon.
[jarheadjimmy] Yeah...Recon.
[Darth Spock] Sure thing, devil dog, I've got some more of me masturbating.
[1337 h4x0r] w00t!
[jarheadjimmy] Please...Send
Notexsas has joined the chat.
[Notexsas] Oi! How is everyone?
[Darth Spock] Great...The only easy day was today, as it turned out.
[Notexsas] I 'ad a good day, too. I mean, of course it was easy...It's not like I'm ex-SAS or anything...It's not like I'm secretly a bad-ass commando who just happens to hang out on message boards.
[Darth Spock] You're a warrior, friend, I can sense it.
[Notexsas] God, no! I would hate for you to think that, rather than being an ex-clerk who was booted out of the forces for buggery, I am actually a veteran of the most elite fighting unit in the world...I'd never ever want to give that impression.
[1337 h4x0r] My mom sucks.
[Darth Spock] You understand opsec, Notexsas, I know where you're comin' from.
[Notexsas] I'm definitely denying having been on secret ops in Northern Ireland, and in fact I'm denying it before you ask. That's how not SAS I am. I want no attention. Nope, none at all.
hotwetmomma has joined the chat
[hotwetmomma] Hi guys.
[3117 h4x0r] Are you a girl?
[Darth Spock] Are you a girl?
[Notexsas] Are you a girl?
[jarheadjimmy] Are you a girl? Damn.
[hotwetmomma] Just looking for some trained officers to inspect my privates.
[Notexsas] I wish I could tell you about my vast military experience, but I can't, because that would be a security breach. I'm just a civilian, you know.
[Darth Spock] Are you a girl?
[hotwetmomma] Any of you military studs up for some action?
[3117 h4x0r] A dude at school beat me up.
[Darth Spock] Action is my middle name. Nathaniel means "action" in spanish.
[Notexsas] I know nothing about the military, hotwetmomma. It's not like I'm some pathetic loser, dropping hints about a life I've only read about. Also...I might have been in the Falklands. But I deny that. Therefore, I claim nothing. I--
[hotwetmomma] You sound kinda cool, Darth Spock.
[Darth Spock] Are you a girl?
[hotwetmomma] Yes.
[jarheadjimmy] Damn.
[Darth Spock] I've got two words for you, hotwetmomma...Let's have sex.
[hotwetmomma] That's three.
[Darth Spock] Sure, I'm into that.
[Notexsas] But, hotwetmomma...I say I'm not ex-sas...Don't you get it? I can't talk about it, I...Shit, my dad's home.
Notexsas has left the chat.
[Darth Spock] Maybe we could meet somewhere, hotwetmomma...Get to know each other and...Have sex.
[3117 h4x0r] I know C++!
[hotwetmomma] Sounds good, Darth. Last time I had sex, the loser impregnated me with a genetically-challenged freak.
[Darth Spock] God, that turns me on. I'm gonna get a soda and touch myself for a bit...brb.
Darth Spock has left the chat.
[3117 h4x0r] Some dude at school beat me up.

I left the computer and tried my damnedest to stop the throbbing in my highly-trained loins. I'm a bit of a ladies' man, but honestly hadn't had sex in years. This "hotwetmomma" was just the thing to cure my now-chronic case of blueballs. I would grab a coke, pleasure myself enough to relieve the tension, and get back online to seal the deal with her.
I left the ops centre and headed for the kitchen--and was surprised to find my mom huddled over her computer at that time of night.
"Mom," I said, "what are you doing? Searching for Pat Boone pictures again?"
"Oh!" She looked startled, and banged a few keys, making the screen go blank. "I was just chatting with...Our church group. Reverend Spock. I mean, Reverend Forrest."
Poor lady. She'd obviously been googling Pat Boone again and was trying to hide it.
"No prob, mom."
"Listen, Randy," she said. "I might have to go to Wal-Mart for a few...Until tomorrow."
"No prob. Pick up some Zima, if you can."
"I will, honey," she said. I went back to the ops centre.
I was ready to meet this chick--more than ready--but when I went back online, I found my damned Rambo 3 screensaver had kicked me offline again. Damn! A chick like hotwetmomma probably wouldn't wait for long. By the time I logged back in, it was too late.

Transcript of

[hotwetmomma] Sorry, my damned son interrupted us.
[hotwetmomma] Darth Spock? Are you there?
[3117 h4x0r] He left--he's a l4M3r anyway. Drop that 0 and get with the 43r0.
[hotwetmomma] Where can we meet?